hello, stranger (Monday, 20 May 2013)
well, i guess i'm gna start blogging here again. it's been really tough for me the past few months in terms of bowling, relationships, everything. i guess the only thing that puts me to ease is sleeping. that's why i sleep so much and i hope no one else calls me a fat, lazy blob just because i like to sleep. honestly, one sleeps to escape the present, to elude the future and either forget or return to the past. i don't want to be here, i don't want to move forward. i want to return to the past, where i was happier, livelier and more carefree. where my smiles were genuine, where my heart never aches and where my heart, whole.
i guess it's just not meant to be between us and i guess i've come to accept that part of my life. i don't miss you, i miss our memories. i don't miss you, i miss us. i think when i see you this week, the feelings for you won't be one-sided anymore. it would be mutual; neutral. whenever i think back about us, it brings back happiness as well as pain. most of it, pain and longing. firstly, were in a long-distance relationship. we both knew that it was gna be hard as hell but we took up the challenge. the first few months were blissful. you would come to singapore, buy me gifts, call me on the phone almost every few weeks, video called me without me having to ask you to, constantly wanting to change your facebook profile picture to us, so many things that would make my heart melt. it started getting serious between us; religion was being taken into account, you met my parents, you came over to my house, you drove all the way from malaysia to singapore a few days before singapore open to spend time with me and watch me bowl. you were perfect and you made me fall for you deeper and deeper. as the months went by, we both started getting a little too comfortable with one another, taking each other for granted and taking the opportunity to pick fights whenever one makes a mistake. the calls never came, you thought it was a chore to call me, you hated texting until late because you see no point and you ignored me multiple of times before too. but yet, i stuck through and constantly told myself, "he's 6 years older than you. he has other priorities that you don't even have. try to understand him." understanding. or the lack of it, for our case.
i guess i should stop reminiscing on the past too much. tears are beginning to well up in my eyes and i can't afford a "are you okay, ilma? why are you crying, babe?". nope, i don't need your pity nor sympathy. i'm lucky to have so many caring friends, both locally and one who's overseas but this, moving on, is something i have got to do alone.
sometimes, i get so sad.
so sad, that it gets hard to breathe.
i guess it's just not meant to be between us and i guess i've come to accept that part of my life. i don't miss you, i miss our memories. i don't miss you, i miss us. i think when i see you this week, the feelings for you won't be one-sided anymore. it would be mutual; neutral. whenever i think back about us, it brings back happiness as well as pain. most of it, pain and longing. firstly, were in a long-distance relationship. we both knew that it was gna be hard as hell but we took up the challenge. the first few months were blissful. you would come to singapore, buy me gifts, call me on the phone almost every few weeks, video called me without me having to ask you to, constantly wanting to change your facebook profile picture to us, so many things that would make my heart melt. it started getting serious between us; religion was being taken into account, you met my parents, you came over to my house, you drove all the way from malaysia to singapore a few days before singapore open to spend time with me and watch me bowl. you were perfect and you made me fall for you deeper and deeper. as the months went by, we both started getting a little too comfortable with one another, taking each other for granted and taking the opportunity to pick fights whenever one makes a mistake. the calls never came, you thought it was a chore to call me, you hated texting until late because you see no point and you ignored me multiple of times before too. but yet, i stuck through and constantly told myself, "he's 6 years older than you. he has other priorities that you don't even have. try to understand him." understanding. or the lack of it, for our case.
i guess i should stop reminiscing on the past too much. tears are beginning to well up in my eyes and i can't afford a "are you okay, ilma? why are you crying, babe?". nope, i don't need your pity nor sympathy. i'm lucky to have so many caring friends, both locally and one who's overseas but this, moving on, is something i have got to do alone.
sometimes, i get so sad.
so sad, that it gets hard to breathe.
